The biggest thing I've seen is intentionality. The friends I keep are the ones that make an effort to reach out and stay in touch. But there's another form of intentionality: I have a friend in Japan, and we both kinda suck at reaching out, but we've been intentional about letting each other know how important we are to each other. We were in each other's weddings, and I visited him in Japan once.
So even if you suck at keeping in touch like I do, you can still keep the people close to you in your heart by making sure they know how you feel about them.
Yes! This is huge for me, too, Michael. It goes back to valuing the other person and vice versa. You're right as well; not everyone is good at keeping in touch, but we can all find ways to make sure our friends know we value them.
As I look at my long-term friendships, and at my long-term marriage with (watch out--incoming cliche!) my best friend (don't groan; we really were close friends who fell in love), I think the answer is the same: forgiveness. This is a hard topic because out of context, it can sound like someone who's willing to put up with any kind of abuse or neglect, but that's not what I mean. I am talking about grudges, slights, and a recognition that any long-term relationship will have ups and downs. We bear with one another and forgive each other. I guess included by default is a ground-level respect for each other and honesty with each other that allows this to happen.
I think friends to lovers is the best kind of love story, Elizabeth. Forgiveness can be so beautiful and tricky at the same time. It washes away built-up resentment that can be the death of any relationship.
Texting. Ok that’s the short answer. But when your best friend lives four hours away with her husband and child, it’s important to check in. The long answer would be shared values, like faith in Christ. Then you still have common ground when you are in different seasons of life
It’s such a good question. I am visiting a friend on the other side of the globe who I got to know in my twenties. We have shared important life experiences and we have also had years where we weren’t able to be in touch often. But there’s a genuine love, mutual respect, and shared faith that have created a lasting friendship. I have a number of close friends who I have prayed with, shared my heart with, listened to and cared about for many decades. Somehow our hearts were knit together. I think in terms of secure attachment where we share both comfort and challenge. I think fully accepting each other but also being willing to continue growing, and being willing to share both joys and sorrows. No pretenses. Real caring and mutuality.
I'm so happy you have the chance to visit your friend, Sue! It seems like you're having a wonderful time there. Friendships all go through seasons of intensity and lapses. A certain level of trust needs to be built up over time, so that the friendship can withstand those seasons of trial and disconnect. That does take real caring and mutuality. It's just sometimes hard to discern what that really looks like, isn't it?
I believe effort and respect keep a friendship alive. The effort may go through seasons, but it can’t be one sided. I also think you have to stay connected enough to make new memories vs just catching up on life updates or reminiscing each time you see each other.
I have often wondered if I would still be friends with my childhood best friend if we met today instead of back then. We’re still great friends, but we are very different people now.
That's a really interesting thought, Kelly. Sometimes the history in a friendship provides a strong foundation for keeping it going. I've often thought, if a newer friend did some of the things one of my older friends does, I wouldn't put up with it. But because of our history and the built up trust over a long period of time, I do.
You're right, too. I think in addition to having a shared history, creating new memories is just as important for keeping the friendship going, otherwise it's just reminiscing about a past.
Honestly? I believe what makes a friendship last is having hard conversations with each other. To me, this means total transparency about the relationship, so that both parties know where the other person stands. It's important to me that my friends let me know if I have hurt them or overstepped in some way or made some insensitive remark. That way I can listen to what happened from their viewpoint and validate it, however hard it may be to hear (which is really more about the puncture to my ego than anything else). Likewise, I've had to muster the courage to initiate tough conversations with my friends, too, and they don't always receive it well. But in my experience, this is how connections deepen over time--not just friendships but any type of relationship.
Yes, definitely this. My other best friend and I are complete opposites, but we're honest with each other. We have those hard conversations that are both gentle and brutal. I think it's a huge part of how we've been able to keep going.
Love this question! I believe mutual reciprocation, shared interests/values, and feeling safe to share life with each other is key.
Personally, I think friendship can only deepen if you allow yourself to be known. Even if the other person is friendly or a great listener, I find it hard to feel close to someone if they are emotionally guarded and/or refuse to be vulnerable. I love a good time but my deepest friendships are with people who I have struggled together with in the trenches.
I do think geographical proximity helps when you’re a busy parent. My good friend bought a house next to us so we can easily hang out and our kids can grow up together.
In saying this, my 20+ year best friend lives interstate and our friendship is possible due to our shared history and mutual effort to keep in touch. We see each other in person at least once a year.
I agree with this, Heidi. You bring up such a good point in your follow-up comment, too. When the other person is always the "strong one" who doesn't share about themselves, it makes me feel like a project and a burden. That's definitely how I felt with my former best friend. She was supportive when I was in trouble, but was very rarely vulnerable with me herself. She'd say she didn't think I had the capacity to deal with her problems, which had the effect of making me feel both useless and disrespected (that she made decisions on my behalf without asking for my input).
Glad you can understand where I’m coming from. I wonder if Honour Shame culture comes into this where we feel comfortable offering help but not receiving it ourselves?
Or perhaps it’s a way of maintaining independence and control?
I certainly don’t feel entitled to be within everyone’s inner circle. Vulnerability comes with trust - but if someone claims to be your “best friend” and yet you know none of them struggles, I’d question that.
My best friend is a very independent, competent, and guarded woman. I have a big social network but she is an inner circle girl. We’re very different women but she allows me to carry her burdens, just as I allow her to carry mine. Once I told her I felt so messy and incompetent around her, and she listed a bunch of my strengths that she doesn’t have, and I’ve never forgotten that encouragement. She always equals the playing field and makes me feel valued. 🥹
I think that the honour-shame culture does play into it, and I get it, having been on the "strong one" side, too. I love that your best friend also allows you to carry her burdens. That's how it should be!
In my friendship with my other best friend, I've often been the "strong one," I guess, in the sense that I'm more logical. But I've also always been willing to be vulnerable with her. I think that's where the difference. I'm still working on it, though. A few years ago, I cried in front of her and she said that was the first time in fifteen years she'd seen me cry.
Absolutely! I think vulnerability can deepen a friendship faster too. I didn’t know my small group leader well but vulnerability has deepened our friendship even though she’s only mentored me a short time
I needed to hear this. I am the one who struggles to open up, and I know it makes it harder to find deep connections. I find that I only open up to 3 or 4 people.
I'm very guarded, too, Kelly. I think I only really open up to three people as well, but I think that's enough. Everyone's different. Something to also think about is that we can be vulnerable about certain aspects of our lives more than others, but it's still genuine connection.
Kelly, 3-4 people is enough in my opinion. Nothing wrong with having a small and trusted inner-circle, but I suspect this might make new connections harder - and especially so if you’re in a season of life where you’re time poor.
Yes good point. However, I think it hit home for me because sometimes there are people I would like to be closer with, and I know I'm the one holding back. Just a moment of self awareness/reflection :)
That's a really good point, Heidi--you must allow yourself to be known. If one party is unable/unwilling to reveal themselves in a vulnerable way, then over time, there is no relationship at all. It's one-sided.
Yes you said it well. I feel uncomfortable with friends who refuse to be vulnerable, and thus can maintain their role as helper, mentor or carer. They are great listeners and very supportive, but refuse to be helped or cared for themselves. It almost feels like there's an imbalance of power - where they remain the "strong" one, while I am a project to be fixed. I'm sure this is not the intention for their guardedness - but this is how it makes me feel. There are people I have known for 10+ years who would call me their friend, however, I don't feel true intimacy because I don't know a thing about them!
That’s such an important insight, Heidi. Having that level of clarity, it seems to me, helps when we decide what we want and don’t want in a friendship.
You know something that’s really helped me in this regard, when I feel similarly to what you are describing about the imbalance of vulnerable sharing in a relationship? I ask myself what kind of friend this person is to me. In other words, who are my “fun” friends that I can hang out with and laugh on a Friday night? Who’s the friend I can ask for advice on raising a kid with special needs? Who’s the friend with whom I can share my deepest secrets, and they can share theirs with me?
Friends serve different roles in our lives, I’ve found. And when I can release the expectation that each of them will fulfill this deep-seated need in me for intimacy, I can appreciate what we do share and let the rest go. For me, it’s about finding what friendships are healthy and then determining the type of friendship we share. And it’s not always a deeply fulfilling one. But if I can have ONE person in my life who is that person, then it’s okay if I have my book club friends and my mom friends and my fun friends.
This is very helpful, thanks for sharing! I appreciate your tip of allowing different friends to play different roles in our lives. I think my comment was for a very specific situation - people who would call me a close or best friend and yet I know nothing about them. But I agree with you, that different people can fulfil different roles and not everyone can offer that intimacy to us.
I had to questions some of my friendships, even ones over 20 years and my therapist helped me through it and the one thing she asked is, "Do you respect that person?" I mean deep down. And do they respect me?
That's also a really important distinction, Sarah--mutual respect. I think respect is defined differently for each person, and to me it means that both parties feel seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. Relationships aren't always reciprocal, but I think when friends feel safe enough to fully disclose when they aren't able to invest in the friendship for a time, due to some type of setback in their lives, it helps if the other person understands that and allows space for their friend to grieve or show up differently. Relationships are fluid and complex, and I think every one of them is different in nature.
True, Jeannie. I am thankful for sturdy friendships where we both understand the realities of life and time constraints which ebb and flow. Respect and mutual acceptance are key ingredients.
Yes. That’s true as well. In some seasons of life our needs may be different, as well as our bandwidth for giving and receiving. I really appreciate mature friends who take this in stride.
For sure. In The Life Model: Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, Jim Wilder and his colleagues wrote about how people can continue to mature and heal, and what’s missing when people haven’t yet matured. It’s valuable insight. I treasure my emotionally mature friends. And I nurture those still growing in that area.
The biggest thing I've seen is intentionality. The friends I keep are the ones that make an effort to reach out and stay in touch. But there's another form of intentionality: I have a friend in Japan, and we both kinda suck at reaching out, but we've been intentional about letting each other know how important we are to each other. We were in each other's weddings, and I visited him in Japan once.
So even if you suck at keeping in touch like I do, you can still keep the people close to you in your heart by making sure they know how you feel about them.
Yes! This is huge for me, too, Michael. It goes back to valuing the other person and vice versa. You're right as well; not everyone is good at keeping in touch, but we can all find ways to make sure our friends know we value them.
As I look at my long-term friendships, and at my long-term marriage with (watch out--incoming cliche!) my best friend (don't groan; we really were close friends who fell in love), I think the answer is the same: forgiveness. This is a hard topic because out of context, it can sound like someone who's willing to put up with any kind of abuse or neglect, but that's not what I mean. I am talking about grudges, slights, and a recognition that any long-term relationship will have ups and downs. We bear with one another and forgive each other. I guess included by default is a ground-level respect for each other and honesty with each other that allows this to happen.
I think friends to lovers is the best kind of love story, Elizabeth. Forgiveness can be so beautiful and tricky at the same time. It washes away built-up resentment that can be the death of any relationship.
Texting. Ok that’s the short answer. But when your best friend lives four hours away with her husband and child, it’s important to check in. The long answer would be shared values, like faith in Christ. Then you still have common ground when you are in different seasons of life
Yes! Keeping in touch is huge for long distance.
I agree texting is such a gift for us with long-distance friendships!
It’s such a good question. I am visiting a friend on the other side of the globe who I got to know in my twenties. We have shared important life experiences and we have also had years where we weren’t able to be in touch often. But there’s a genuine love, mutual respect, and shared faith that have created a lasting friendship. I have a number of close friends who I have prayed with, shared my heart with, listened to and cared about for many decades. Somehow our hearts were knit together. I think in terms of secure attachment where we share both comfort and challenge. I think fully accepting each other but also being willing to continue growing, and being willing to share both joys and sorrows. No pretenses. Real caring and mutuality.
I'm so happy you have the chance to visit your friend, Sue! It seems like you're having a wonderful time there. Friendships all go through seasons of intensity and lapses. A certain level of trust needs to be built up over time, so that the friendship can withstand those seasons of trial and disconnect. That does take real caring and mutuality. It's just sometimes hard to discern what that really looks like, isn't it?
This time here has been such a blessing. I will fly home tomorrow. I’m so thankful we have had time to catch up on our lives.
I believe effort and respect keep a friendship alive. The effort may go through seasons, but it can’t be one sided. I also think you have to stay connected enough to make new memories vs just catching up on life updates or reminiscing each time you see each other.
I have often wondered if I would still be friends with my childhood best friend if we met today instead of back then. We’re still great friends, but we are very different people now.
That's a really interesting thought, Kelly. Sometimes the history in a friendship provides a strong foundation for keeping it going. I've often thought, if a newer friend did some of the things one of my older friends does, I wouldn't put up with it. But because of our history and the built up trust over a long period of time, I do.
You're right, too. I think in addition to having a shared history, creating new memories is just as important for keeping the friendship going, otherwise it's just reminiscing about a past.
Honestly? I believe what makes a friendship last is having hard conversations with each other. To me, this means total transparency about the relationship, so that both parties know where the other person stands. It's important to me that my friends let me know if I have hurt them or overstepped in some way or made some insensitive remark. That way I can listen to what happened from their viewpoint and validate it, however hard it may be to hear (which is really more about the puncture to my ego than anything else). Likewise, I've had to muster the courage to initiate tough conversations with my friends, too, and they don't always receive it well. But in my experience, this is how connections deepen over time--not just friendships but any type of relationship.
Yes, definitely this. My other best friend and I are complete opposites, but we're honest with each other. We have those hard conversations that are both gentle and brutal. I think it's a huge part of how we've been able to keep going.
Love this question! I believe mutual reciprocation, shared interests/values, and feeling safe to share life with each other is key.
Personally, I think friendship can only deepen if you allow yourself to be known. Even if the other person is friendly or a great listener, I find it hard to feel close to someone if they are emotionally guarded and/or refuse to be vulnerable. I love a good time but my deepest friendships are with people who I have struggled together with in the trenches.
I do think geographical proximity helps when you’re a busy parent. My good friend bought a house next to us so we can easily hang out and our kids can grow up together.
In saying this, my 20+ year best friend lives interstate and our friendship is possible due to our shared history and mutual effort to keep in touch. We see each other in person at least once a year.
I agree with this, Heidi. You bring up such a good point in your follow-up comment, too. When the other person is always the "strong one" who doesn't share about themselves, it makes me feel like a project and a burden. That's definitely how I felt with my former best friend. She was supportive when I was in trouble, but was very rarely vulnerable with me herself. She'd say she didn't think I had the capacity to deal with her problems, which had the effect of making me feel both useless and disrespected (that she made decisions on my behalf without asking for my input).
Glad you can understand where I’m coming from. I wonder if Honour Shame culture comes into this where we feel comfortable offering help but not receiving it ourselves?
Or perhaps it’s a way of maintaining independence and control?
I certainly don’t feel entitled to be within everyone’s inner circle. Vulnerability comes with trust - but if someone claims to be your “best friend” and yet you know none of them struggles, I’d question that.
My best friend is a very independent, competent, and guarded woman. I have a big social network but she is an inner circle girl. We’re very different women but she allows me to carry her burdens, just as I allow her to carry mine. Once I told her I felt so messy and incompetent around her, and she listed a bunch of my strengths that she doesn’t have, and I’ve never forgotten that encouragement. She always equals the playing field and makes me feel valued. 🥹
I think that the honour-shame culture does play into it, and I get it, having been on the "strong one" side, too. I love that your best friend also allows you to carry her burdens. That's how it should be!
In my friendship with my other best friend, I've often been the "strong one," I guess, in the sense that I'm more logical. But I've also always been willing to be vulnerable with her. I think that's where the difference. I'm still working on it, though. A few years ago, I cried in front of her and she said that was the first time in fifteen years she'd seen me cry.
Absolutely! I think vulnerability can deepen a friendship faster too. I didn’t know my small group leader well but vulnerability has deepened our friendship even though she’s only mentored me a short time
Love that you can share this bond with your mentor! :)
I needed to hear this. I am the one who struggles to open up, and I know it makes it harder to find deep connections. I find that I only open up to 3 or 4 people.
I'm very guarded, too, Kelly. I think I only really open up to three people as well, but I think that's enough. Everyone's different. Something to also think about is that we can be vulnerable about certain aspects of our lives more than others, but it's still genuine connection.
Kelly, 3-4 people is enough in my opinion. Nothing wrong with having a small and trusted inner-circle, but I suspect this might make new connections harder - and especially so if you’re in a season of life where you’re time poor.
Yes good point. However, I think it hit home for me because sometimes there are people I would like to be closer with, and I know I'm the one holding back. Just a moment of self awareness/reflection :)
That's a really good point, Heidi--you must allow yourself to be known. If one party is unable/unwilling to reveal themselves in a vulnerable way, then over time, there is no relationship at all. It's one-sided.
Yes you said it well. I feel uncomfortable with friends who refuse to be vulnerable, and thus can maintain their role as helper, mentor or carer. They are great listeners and very supportive, but refuse to be helped or cared for themselves. It almost feels like there's an imbalance of power - where they remain the "strong" one, while I am a project to be fixed. I'm sure this is not the intention for their guardedness - but this is how it makes me feel. There are people I have known for 10+ years who would call me their friend, however, I don't feel true intimacy because I don't know a thing about them!
That’s such an important insight, Heidi. Having that level of clarity, it seems to me, helps when we decide what we want and don’t want in a friendship.
You know something that’s really helped me in this regard, when I feel similarly to what you are describing about the imbalance of vulnerable sharing in a relationship? I ask myself what kind of friend this person is to me. In other words, who are my “fun” friends that I can hang out with and laugh on a Friday night? Who’s the friend I can ask for advice on raising a kid with special needs? Who’s the friend with whom I can share my deepest secrets, and they can share theirs with me?
Friends serve different roles in our lives, I’ve found. And when I can release the expectation that each of them will fulfill this deep-seated need in me for intimacy, I can appreciate what we do share and let the rest go. For me, it’s about finding what friendships are healthy and then determining the type of friendship we share. And it’s not always a deeply fulfilling one. But if I can have ONE person in my life who is that person, then it’s okay if I have my book club friends and my mom friends and my fun friends.
This is very helpful, thanks for sharing! I appreciate your tip of allowing different friends to play different roles in our lives. I think my comment was for a very specific situation - people who would call me a close or best friend and yet I know nothing about them. But I agree with you, that different people can fulfil different roles and not everyone can offer that intimacy to us.
I definitely agree with you on this, Heidi.
I had to questions some of my friendships, even ones over 20 years and my therapist helped me through it and the one thing she asked is, "Do you respect that person?" I mean deep down. And do they respect me?
That's also a really important distinction, Sarah--mutual respect. I think respect is defined differently for each person, and to me it means that both parties feel seen, heard, understood, and appreciated. Relationships aren't always reciprocal, but I think when friends feel safe enough to fully disclose when they aren't able to invest in the friendship for a time, due to some type of setback in their lives, it helps if the other person understands that and allows space for their friend to grieve or show up differently. Relationships are fluid and complex, and I think every one of them is different in nature.
True, Jeannie. I am thankful for sturdy friendships where we both understand the realities of life and time constraints which ebb and flow. Respect and mutual acceptance are key ingredients.
I agree. And there are different friends that serve different roles in our lives, which is okay, too.
Yes. That’s true as well. In some seasons of life our needs may be different, as well as our bandwidth for giving and receiving. I really appreciate mature friends who take this in stride.
I do, too, Susan. Maturity seems harder to come by these days, so I cherish it in another person when I do find it.
For sure. In The Life Model: Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You, Jim Wilder and his colleagues wrote about how people can continue to mature and heal, and what’s missing when people haven’t yet matured. It’s valuable insight. I treasure my emotionally mature friends. And I nurture those still growing in that area.
Respect is definitely vital to any growing and healthy friendship/relationship!