Thanks for this essay. It made me consider my own friendships. I thought about my adult children (all in their 30's) with whom I spend a lot of time as we all live in NYC. My two younger brothers as well who live here. Those relationships resemble friendships in many ways, although different because of the familial bonds. It's an interesting mix.
Also, so many of the people I know as friends or acquaintances read my Substack so they know a great deal about what's going on in my life and my head. Which adds an element to those relationships that I've yet to be able to pinpoint.
Thank you, David. I remember when I let my college roommate read my anonymous blog and she said it felt like she got to know me more deeply. It's an interesting dynamic for sure.
Hello David, thanks for writing this. Also, I think we GenX'er East coasters have a different experience of friendships; we grew up pre-internet, so our friends were our world. It didn't mean we didn't argue over everything; we did, but whatever the trouble was, boredom was far worse than whatever we were fighting about, so we learned to let go of whatever offense happened. We always had each other's back when trouble arose, and the bonds of friendship grew.
Thank you for mentioning me, Tiffany! Really love how you discussed deep-rooted and meaningful friendships here. Great job!
Reading this reminded me of my old best friends. We were friends for 4 years but simply drifted apart due to COVID-19. Although we managed to stay in touch at some point during the pandemic, the conversations gradually faded with time, and now we've lost contact. It's quite disheartening.
You're absolutely right, it just became clear to me that friendship should be nurtured with effort, vulnerability, conflicts and willingness. Otherwise, we're merely acquaintances at a single point in time.
Thanks, Lee. The shutdown and isolation pulled a number of friendships apart, it seems. I'm sorry you experienced that too. I also think another side of it is recognising that not all friendships have to last a lifetime, and to let them go. It's really hard to discern, though, and I don't think it ever comes without some measure of regret. I've shared this article before on the subject of when friendships end, but it's a good read if you're interested: https://novareid.substack.com/p/the-unspoken-grief-of-when-friendships
i am someone who has always been better in 1:1/ smaller groups rather than large ones and enjoys deep conversations/ vulnerability with people i can trust/ don’t judge me and want the same in return.
while relationships can take work, i think one of the keys to successful ones is having the same expectation on the depth, frequency of contact, mode of contact, type of things you do together/ discuss, etc as the other person. i’ve learned that not everyone wants the all-encompassing type of friendship that i am generally after and i don’t want an all-encompassing type of relationship with most people i meet. the ones i do have are incredible and everyone is involved because they truly want to be.
i have also never been so interested in more surface-level relationships but more recently realized that friendship can exist on a spectrum and those can play a role in my life too, as long as i go into it with different expectations and i still enjoy the time i spend with that person.
thanks for touching on a topic so near and dear to me in such an interesting way!
100% with you, Lauren. I think that's where the negotiating and re-negotiating piece comes in. You bring up an important point. I don't always want the same level of intensity as someone else might, or vice versa. It takes communication to figure out what the expectations are, which can sometimes be awkward. In that sense, it feels like a dating relationship where you have to define the relationship and determine the level of commitment you both want from each other.
Like you brilliantly said, I've also had to recognise that friendship can exist on a spectrum. Friendships that end don't necessarily mean they weren't true friendships. Friendships that aren't all-encompassing also don't mean they aren't just as valuable. In my mini-essay on the friendship thread this week, I wrote, "they see me, in parts but true parts," and I think that's what's most important. For me, there are really only two people I'd say I'm completely myself with, but that doesn't make others less significant.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Lauren!
i love the part that you mention about friendships that end. i’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings recently in a whole host of ways and how something ending doesn’t mean that thing wasn’t “worth it.” likely will be something i write about in the near future.
thanks for your response and i am looking forward to keeping up with what you’re putting out!
I loved this so much. When you google “relationship tips” friendships are often excluded from these lists. I love that more and more people are exploring friendships and the significance they play in our lives. I especially loved point #3. It’s so real but hard to accept that we are selfish. We are inward focused and it takes a lot of courage and energy to go outward.
Also, you might enjoy the podcast “A Social Life, With Friends” as it explores everything you talked about.
Thank you so much, Hannah. I will check out that podcast! Yes, I'm really encouraged that this subject has been making headlines recently. Years ago, I felt like I was the only one talking/writing about it.
Lovely essay. As technology advances we shouldn't forget that all of the necessary parts of being human, connection and relationships, aren't going to be replaced by convenience nor should they be.
This was a well thought out analysis. I love the reality that mobile lifestyles, the internet, and overall fatigue from the speed of today’s life has made friendships lose the social value they once had. Thank you for including my piece with Marc and well. You’ve let a lot for me to chew on be well.
Thank you, Rachel! It's difficult, and there is definitely not easy solution to this problem. Your piece with Marc is heart-warming and I really enjoyed it.
Very thoughtful piece, Tiffany. It seems that the evolution of friendships in my life are very dependent upon time, place and circumstance. When circumstances put us in close proximity for a certain amount of time, i.e. school, work, church it was easier to do “friend “ things—hang out, eat out, movies, etc but when proximity was no longer there doing friend things dwindled to almost nothing. As you pointed out social media is a sort of hybrid friend thing but definitely not as organic as live face to face interaction. So much here to think about. Thank you for this, Tiffany.
Thank you, Steve. I think those factors definitely play a significant role in forming the foundation for friendships, and there's nothing wrong with that. What I appreciated about the Rhaina's book is how she expanded what friendship COULD look like, and I felt validated.
As a very solitary person and not TOTALLY from my own choice I just do not agree with that idea "you can be friends with someone for years but hardly ever see them and never talk to them". That's an acquaintance not a FRIEND. I mean,yes,if you live on different continents but we are not now living in an age when it takes six months for a letter to reach it's destination. There is now zoom,and video calls and lots of other methods of communication. I'm saying this because it's sometimes put forward as an idea of friendship. You live in close proximity,you share no social activities,but if trouble comes you help each other out - because you're friends. I had a wonderful friend,one of my neighbours. I still have. She is one of those sparky people with wit,charm and charisma. I'm glad I have her in my life. For at least 8 years I was "helping her out" with a sub of money every week,which she always repaid me (lol,I trained her to!),but I began to notice that I only got her "friendship" when she needed money,the rest of the time it was silence and no contact.
You may be thinking what a terrible person,but that's the,lol, annoying thing,shes lovely (or she wouldn't get away with it)!,she is one of those people with a wide experience of life and her other friends are weirder than me!
And I dont really want any contact with THEM!
But for ages she subtly used this idea (maybe not realizing) that we're friends,we share stuff,but I began to notice the sharing only went one way and even though I never lost out in money terms I started to realize that when you regularly pay over money to someone (always paid back) that you own a piece of them and you should have more from the deal. I can see how this works now between men and women,it's dodgy! We are still "friends" but now I no longer part with money we have virtually no contact. I felt so mean and selfish when I stopped as I could spare the relatively small sum so it wasn't poverty as such that made me stop. I don't want to say I felt used or apply the word. It was more nuanced than that. But ultimately I decided that someone who is never available for a conversation or even a light chat is,though delightful,....not worth paying for. (Why is it my problem that you haven't got enough to pay your electric bill?)
That was a hurdle it took me years to get over having been brought up with that sort of Christian guilt idea that if someone is in need YOU HAVE TO HELP THEM even if it's their own fault.
I agree with that, Jane, and I'm so sorry you had a "friend" like that. Sounds like a charity case, not a friend.. Friendship is mutual. It's not that there is always an equal give and take, since seasons change and sometimes one person needs more than the other, sometimes for long periods, but overall it comes down to the effort and understanding that when the capacity is there, you are BOTH willing to give to the other.
“We allow less room for human things like conflict, touting leaving people behind as “setting healthy boundaries,” when in fact, we simply don’t want to put in the effort that comes with working through friction. We prefer low-maintenance friends we don’t have to go out of our way for, those we can fit into the little openings in our busy schedules. By not being active participants in each other’s lives, we avoid having to engage in the messiness of daily life when it’s inconvenient. In short, we have come to avoid any sort of discomfort.”
Loved that Tiffany. I had a friendship where I tried to talk about difficult things. I thought it would bring us closer to discuss these - as we had known each other over 10 years. Instead I got told to be positive, get over it, see a therapist and then cut out the friend group. It still breaks my heart a bit because I saw how we could have been closer through a bit of conversation.
Also I lived in Myanmar a long time and I used to like sharing offices, rooms, etc with my Myanmar colleagues more than my western colleagues. They were just better at negotiating a shared experience. The westerners felt more jagged. I was of course also jagged - as a westerner myself - but I do hope I learned something from the way my Burmese friends could collaborate and connect.
Thank you so much for sharing about your experience, Catriona. I think that's part of the problem; we, as a society, just don't know how to handle friendships and subsequently don't know how to deal with the problems that arise or go deeper with them. We have marriage counseling and family counseling, but we'd probably be laughed out a room if we try to go to therapy for friendship counseling. There's little to no framework the kind of soul-connection-friends I believe are possible if we expand our definitions of what they could mean for us.
My best friend lives unfortunately now on the other side of the world. And my "family friends", whom I've grown up with are also not nearby, the nearest is across the straits in the UK. It is definitely a blessing to have your closest of friends who are like family near to you. I initiated a reunion trip for my close friends this year, hopefully we can reconnect the years we've been apart somehow! And you're right, friendships deserves as much attention and energy as any other relationships.
Distance makes it so hard to feel connected, and I do feel really lucky that most of my close friends are, at most, two hours away. My best friend lives two hours away from me. Even then, I find myself griping, because I still wish they lived next door hahaha. I read about those groups of friends who have built tiny house communes and I'm like, please can we do that?! I LOVE that you are bringing your friends together for a reunion, Rachel! That's so awesome, and I hope it's a beautiful time to reconnect with each other and enjoy each other's company!
yes two hours can be far away too! I read too about those house communes, it's kind of like going back to the old days where people live more communally, but this time we get to choose who we want to live with, so even better. It can be something we all can consider once we are much older, and more free of obligations in life.
It is when you can't do life together as well. When we were little, my godsisters and I planned to live in a huge house together with our spouses, but a commune sounds better for the sake of sanity and privacy haha.
I remember my friends and I also had this dream before, living together in a row of houses. Ah, nothing beats the innocence of the younger days. But yes, a commune is a perfect solution to be near enough to be each other's village, yet remain space for each other's need of privacy and individuality. I must note to take this idea up again in our upcoming reunion! :)
Ahh I'm so excited for your reunion. I shall live vicariously through you. My godsiblings are now spread out a bit, but we've tried to have an annual weekend trip too, and everyone's usually back in town for the holidays which is nice.
Thanks for this, Tiffany—so insightful. Perhaps because I was an only child, I have cherished friendships like family. Since I had no biological brothers or sisters, I have chosen my own.
This is why I plan on getting coffee with a friend every other week this year. It's one of my intentions in 2024. Ya never know where the conversation may go and where your life may pivot...enjoyed the essay!
A lot to chew on here, I appreciate your thoughts and reminders of how friendships used to be. I am still in touch with my “best friend” from youth, but as we both moved away after high school and have lived separate lives for 30+ years, I do often wonder, “is she still my best friend?” I thoroughly agree about your thoughts on social media, on the other hand, I know it’s been a way to stay in touch, even loosely, with these old friends.
Thank you, Suzanne. It's moving that you're still in touch with your childhood best friend in spite of being apart for so much of your lives now. I think that's something to be treasured, even if you don't necessarily want to call her your best friend.
Tiffany,
Thanks for this essay. It made me consider my own friendships. I thought about my adult children (all in their 30's) with whom I spend a lot of time as we all live in NYC. My two younger brothers as well who live here. Those relationships resemble friendships in many ways, although different because of the familial bonds. It's an interesting mix.
Also, so many of the people I know as friends or acquaintances read my Substack so they know a great deal about what's going on in my life and my head. Which adds an element to those relationships that I've yet to be able to pinpoint.
Thank you, David. I remember when I let my college roommate read my anonymous blog and she said it felt like she got to know me more deeply. It's an interesting dynamic for sure.
Hello David, thanks for writing this. Also, I think we GenX'er East coasters have a different experience of friendships; we grew up pre-internet, so our friends were our world. It didn't mean we didn't argue over everything; we did, but whatever the trouble was, boredom was far worse than whatever we were fighting about, so we learned to let go of whatever offense happened. We always had each other's back when trouble arose, and the bonds of friendship grew.
Thank you for mentioning me, Tiffany! Really love how you discussed deep-rooted and meaningful friendships here. Great job!
Reading this reminded me of my old best friends. We were friends for 4 years but simply drifted apart due to COVID-19. Although we managed to stay in touch at some point during the pandemic, the conversations gradually faded with time, and now we've lost contact. It's quite disheartening.
You're absolutely right, it just became clear to me that friendship should be nurtured with effort, vulnerability, conflicts and willingness. Otherwise, we're merely acquaintances at a single point in time.
Thanks, Lee. The shutdown and isolation pulled a number of friendships apart, it seems. I'm sorry you experienced that too. I also think another side of it is recognising that not all friendships have to last a lifetime, and to let them go. It's really hard to discern, though, and I don't think it ever comes without some measure of regret. I've shared this article before on the subject of when friendships end, but it's a good read if you're interested: https://novareid.substack.com/p/the-unspoken-grief-of-when-friendships
Appreciate that! I will give it a read, friendship is a good topic to delve into.
I always love reading about friendships—they’re such foundational relationships and are often devalued.
I absolutely agree!
i am someone who has always been better in 1:1/ smaller groups rather than large ones and enjoys deep conversations/ vulnerability with people i can trust/ don’t judge me and want the same in return.
while relationships can take work, i think one of the keys to successful ones is having the same expectation on the depth, frequency of contact, mode of contact, type of things you do together/ discuss, etc as the other person. i’ve learned that not everyone wants the all-encompassing type of friendship that i am generally after and i don’t want an all-encompassing type of relationship with most people i meet. the ones i do have are incredible and everyone is involved because they truly want to be.
i have also never been so interested in more surface-level relationships but more recently realized that friendship can exist on a spectrum and those can play a role in my life too, as long as i go into it with different expectations and i still enjoy the time i spend with that person.
thanks for touching on a topic so near and dear to me in such an interesting way!
100% with you, Lauren. I think that's where the negotiating and re-negotiating piece comes in. You bring up an important point. I don't always want the same level of intensity as someone else might, or vice versa. It takes communication to figure out what the expectations are, which can sometimes be awkward. In that sense, it feels like a dating relationship where you have to define the relationship and determine the level of commitment you both want from each other.
Like you brilliantly said, I've also had to recognise that friendship can exist on a spectrum. Friendships that end don't necessarily mean they weren't true friendships. Friendships that aren't all-encompassing also don't mean they aren't just as valuable. In my mini-essay on the friendship thread this week, I wrote, "they see me, in parts but true parts," and I think that's what's most important. For me, there are really only two people I'd say I'm completely myself with, but that doesn't make others less significant.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Lauren!
i love the part that you mention about friendships that end. i’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings recently in a whole host of ways and how something ending doesn’t mean that thing wasn’t “worth it.” likely will be something i write about in the near future.
thanks for your response and i am looking forward to keeping up with what you’re putting out!
I'd be interested in reading your thoughts on that!
Thanks for sharing this. Have not read Rhaina’s book yet but will check it out.
I think you would enjoy it. It's well-researched and she presents diverse cases.
I loved this so much. When you google “relationship tips” friendships are often excluded from these lists. I love that more and more people are exploring friendships and the significance they play in our lives. I especially loved point #3. It’s so real but hard to accept that we are selfish. We are inward focused and it takes a lot of courage and energy to go outward.
Also, you might enjoy the podcast “A Social Life, With Friends” as it explores everything you talked about.
Thank you so much, Hannah. I will check out that podcast! Yes, I'm really encouraged that this subject has been making headlines recently. Years ago, I felt like I was the only one talking/writing about it.
Lovely essay. As technology advances we shouldn't forget that all of the necessary parts of being human, connection and relationships, aren't going to be replaced by convenience nor should they be.
Thank you so much, Daniel. So true.
This is so excellent. Thank you so much for writing this. 👏👏👏👏
Thank you, Sarah!
This was a well thought out analysis. I love the reality that mobile lifestyles, the internet, and overall fatigue from the speed of today’s life has made friendships lose the social value they once had. Thank you for including my piece with Marc and well. You’ve let a lot for me to chew on be well.
Thank you, Rachel! It's difficult, and there is definitely not easy solution to this problem. Your piece with Marc is heart-warming and I really enjoyed it.
Very thoughtful piece, Tiffany. It seems that the evolution of friendships in my life are very dependent upon time, place and circumstance. When circumstances put us in close proximity for a certain amount of time, i.e. school, work, church it was easier to do “friend “ things—hang out, eat out, movies, etc but when proximity was no longer there doing friend things dwindled to almost nothing. As you pointed out social media is a sort of hybrid friend thing but definitely not as organic as live face to face interaction. So much here to think about. Thank you for this, Tiffany.
Thank you, Steve. I think those factors definitely play a significant role in forming the foundation for friendships, and there's nothing wrong with that. What I appreciated about the Rhaina's book is how she expanded what friendship COULD look like, and I felt validated.
Oh absolutely, I totally agree. Thanks, Tiffany.
As a very solitary person and not TOTALLY from my own choice I just do not agree with that idea "you can be friends with someone for years but hardly ever see them and never talk to them". That's an acquaintance not a FRIEND. I mean,yes,if you live on different continents but we are not now living in an age when it takes six months for a letter to reach it's destination. There is now zoom,and video calls and lots of other methods of communication. I'm saying this because it's sometimes put forward as an idea of friendship. You live in close proximity,you share no social activities,but if trouble comes you help each other out - because you're friends. I had a wonderful friend,one of my neighbours. I still have. She is one of those sparky people with wit,charm and charisma. I'm glad I have her in my life. For at least 8 years I was "helping her out" with a sub of money every week,which she always repaid me (lol,I trained her to!),but I began to notice that I only got her "friendship" when she needed money,the rest of the time it was silence and no contact.
You may be thinking what a terrible person,but that's the,lol, annoying thing,shes lovely (or she wouldn't get away with it)!,she is one of those people with a wide experience of life and her other friends are weirder than me!
And I dont really want any contact with THEM!
But for ages she subtly used this idea (maybe not realizing) that we're friends,we share stuff,but I began to notice the sharing only went one way and even though I never lost out in money terms I started to realize that when you regularly pay over money to someone (always paid back) that you own a piece of them and you should have more from the deal. I can see how this works now between men and women,it's dodgy! We are still "friends" but now I no longer part with money we have virtually no contact. I felt so mean and selfish when I stopped as I could spare the relatively small sum so it wasn't poverty as such that made me stop. I don't want to say I felt used or apply the word. It was more nuanced than that. But ultimately I decided that someone who is never available for a conversation or even a light chat is,though delightful,....not worth paying for. (Why is it my problem that you haven't got enough to pay your electric bill?)
That was a hurdle it took me years to get over having been brought up with that sort of Christian guilt idea that if someone is in need YOU HAVE TO HELP THEM even if it's their own fault.
No,I don't buy into that
"silent companionship" idea.
I agree with that, Jane, and I'm so sorry you had a "friend" like that. Sounds like a charity case, not a friend.. Friendship is mutual. It's not that there is always an equal give and take, since seasons change and sometimes one person needs more than the other, sometimes for long periods, but overall it comes down to the effort and understanding that when the capacity is there, you are BOTH willing to give to the other.
“We allow less room for human things like conflict, touting leaving people behind as “setting healthy boundaries,” when in fact, we simply don’t want to put in the effort that comes with working through friction. We prefer low-maintenance friends we don’t have to go out of our way for, those we can fit into the little openings in our busy schedules. By not being active participants in each other’s lives, we avoid having to engage in the messiness of daily life when it’s inconvenient. In short, we have come to avoid any sort of discomfort.”
Loved that Tiffany. I had a friendship where I tried to talk about difficult things. I thought it would bring us closer to discuss these - as we had known each other over 10 years. Instead I got told to be positive, get over it, see a therapist and then cut out the friend group. It still breaks my heart a bit because I saw how we could have been closer through a bit of conversation.
Also I lived in Myanmar a long time and I used to like sharing offices, rooms, etc with my Myanmar colleagues more than my western colleagues. They were just better at negotiating a shared experience. The westerners felt more jagged. I was of course also jagged - as a westerner myself - but I do hope I learned something from the way my Burmese friends could collaborate and connect.
Thank you so much for sharing about your experience, Catriona. I think that's part of the problem; we, as a society, just don't know how to handle friendships and subsequently don't know how to deal with the problems that arise or go deeper with them. We have marriage counseling and family counseling, but we'd probably be laughed out a room if we try to go to therapy for friendship counseling. There's little to no framework the kind of soul-connection-friends I believe are possible if we expand our definitions of what they could mean for us.
My best friend lives unfortunately now on the other side of the world. And my "family friends", whom I've grown up with are also not nearby, the nearest is across the straits in the UK. It is definitely a blessing to have your closest of friends who are like family near to you. I initiated a reunion trip for my close friends this year, hopefully we can reconnect the years we've been apart somehow! And you're right, friendships deserves as much attention and energy as any other relationships.
Distance makes it so hard to feel connected, and I do feel really lucky that most of my close friends are, at most, two hours away. My best friend lives two hours away from me. Even then, I find myself griping, because I still wish they lived next door hahaha. I read about those groups of friends who have built tiny house communes and I'm like, please can we do that?! I LOVE that you are bringing your friends together for a reunion, Rachel! That's so awesome, and I hope it's a beautiful time to reconnect with each other and enjoy each other's company!
yes two hours can be far away too! I read too about those house communes, it's kind of like going back to the old days where people live more communally, but this time we get to choose who we want to live with, so even better. It can be something we all can consider once we are much older, and more free of obligations in life.
It is when you can't do life together as well. When we were little, my godsisters and I planned to live in a huge house together with our spouses, but a commune sounds better for the sake of sanity and privacy haha.
I remember my friends and I also had this dream before, living together in a row of houses. Ah, nothing beats the innocence of the younger days. But yes, a commune is a perfect solution to be near enough to be each other's village, yet remain space for each other's need of privacy and individuality. I must note to take this idea up again in our upcoming reunion! :)
Ahh I'm so excited for your reunion. I shall live vicariously through you. My godsiblings are now spread out a bit, but we've tried to have an annual weekend trip too, and everyone's usually back in town for the holidays which is nice.
Thanks for this, Tiffany—so insightful. Perhaps because I was an only child, I have cherished friendships like family. Since I had no biological brothers or sisters, I have chosen my own.
Thanks, John! That was true for me too; I didn't have stability in my family of origin, so I always looked for it elsewhere.
This is why I plan on getting coffee with a friend every other week this year. It's one of my intentions in 2024. Ya never know where the conversation may go and where your life may pivot...enjoyed the essay!
I love that, Istiaq! So true, and it's a lovely way to connect and reconnect with people. Thank you for sharing.
A lot to chew on here, I appreciate your thoughts and reminders of how friendships used to be. I am still in touch with my “best friend” from youth, but as we both moved away after high school and have lived separate lives for 30+ years, I do often wonder, “is she still my best friend?” I thoroughly agree about your thoughts on social media, on the other hand, I know it’s been a way to stay in touch, even loosely, with these old friends.
Thank you, Suzanne. It's moving that you're still in touch with your childhood best friend in spite of being apart for so much of your lives now. I think that's something to be treasured, even if you don't necessarily want to call her your best friend.