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Heidi Tai's avatar

So wild to see my worlds colliding in this post!! Thank you Tiffany for featuring Ruhie and for sharing her wisdom on grief with us!

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you Heidi! As a mum too and having lost someone close to you last year, have you noticed grief has impacted your motherhood? It's a topic I think about a lot, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and experience here!

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Heidi Tai's avatar

Yes it certainly has changed my perspectives on time and what ultimately matters. It makes me sad that grandpa won’t see Tillie grow up or be present for milestones. I feel urgency for Tillie to spend more time with her parents and grandparents. I fear the goodbyes to come…😭

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Tiffany Chu's avatar

I feel this too. My mother-in-law died a year ago, and I'm always sad my youngest will never know her grandmother, and my middle will only have vague memories.

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Heidi Tai's avatar

Sorry for your loss, Tiffany. Grandparent relationships are so precious. I was raised by mine and it makes me so sad that my daughter won’t fully know why her great-grandparents are my heroes.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

It’s so hard isn’t it? Raising kids without the influence and PRESENCE of such an important part of the family 💔 My kids are so lucky to have one amazing grandad. But it’s hard not to wish they could have that with my dad too. I feel for you Tiffany and your kids ❤️‍🩹 and all the parents and grandkids who miss out on this valuable relationship.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

I feel this, Heidi, and understand the pain of watching your child grow up without someone who would have loved them so much! I guess that’s why we keep telling their stories 🙏🏼🫂

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Heidi Tai's avatar

Telling their stories - I love that thought!

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Imola's avatar

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story. Grief doesn’t escape any of us, and as hard, and uncomfortable as it is, it’s healthy to talk about it.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you Imola! It's not easy to talk about that's for sure, but as you so rightly said, grief is universal. Sharing our stories helps not only with our own healing, but also to remove the stigma that prevents so many of us from talking about grief.

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Tracy Mansolillo's avatar

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of grief, parenting and the lessons learned through the process. This resonated with me so deeply as I lost my Dad while raising my son as a single parent. My father was a surrogate father to my son and the day he died, my son said through tears “mom, today we both lost our Dad.” He was 16 at the time and grateful he had those years with my Dad but three years later and we both miss him so much. We were just talking about him this morning as my son was preparing to leave for school ( now on college) and participate in a business competition. I reminded him how proud his grandfather would be and he smiled and said, I know Mom. 💕

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

This is so touching Tracy, thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️ I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad who was clearly a loving role model and father figure for your son too. It's beautiful that you both keep his memory alive in your home by talking about him. We do the same with our little ones too. I hope in this way they get to know him in some capacity, and feel a deep connection to him even though he's not here.

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Tracy Mansolillo's avatar

We talk about him all the time to keep him memory alive and keep him in our hearts always. I’m sorry your children will not have the experience of knowing your father but keep his memory alive any way you can. 🙏🏻

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

That's wonderful Tracy! Talking about the loved ones we've lost is how we honour their legacy. It's so powerful to talk to our children about where they've come from and the stories and people who have shaped their family.

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Carolyn Faggioni's avatar

Thank you for sharing such a personal and thoughtful account of loss and transformation. I lost my mother to cancer after a prolonged battle several years ago. While she was not as young as your father, she was taken too soon. Losing a loved one in that manner is difficult but can contain lessons for how we choose to live our lives and what we value.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you Carolyn 🙏🏼 I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum - watching their health struggles and seeing their life slip away is devastating at any age! My heart goes out to you. And I fully agree that alongside the pain of grief are lessons about who we want to be and how we want to live.

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Jeannie Ewing's avatar

First, Tiffany, thank you for featuring Ruhie and her story. I have to say, I have noticed her name pop up a lot on my own Substack Notes lately (Hi, Ruhie!) and it's an honor to know more of her story.

Ruhie, I just wanted to thank you for this vulnerable offering today. You write so well on the topic of grief. I used to be a grief writer and speaker, and much of what you wrote today emerged in organic conversations I had with the bereaved. I also appreciate the way you openly discuss death with your children.

Maybe you know this, but like losing your father has made you acutely aware of human mortality, raising our daughter Sarah has done the same thing for me. Death is never far away from my mind, though I don't allow myself to live in fear, as you don't either. Your illustration of the questions your children have and how you choose to answer them reminds me of a time when Sarah had a skeletal survey to see if she had any other fused bones, besides the ones we knew about (her skull, her fingers and toes). While there, Sarah asked the two x-ray techs if they had a dog. One said, "I did once, but it went away," and the other one said, "I did, but it's gone" or something like that. Sarah and I had a conversation about what this meant on the drive home, because this type of vague language was confusing to her.

Just reminds me how uncomfortable most of us are with being open and honest about death--which is really just one of many aspects of life.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you so much Jeannie! It's been lovely connecting with you here on Substack. I have to say I'm deeply inspired by your writing, your openness and generosity in sharing your story, and your insights on life, love and motherhood. Our circumstances absolutely shape our view of the world and I can imagine Sarah's diagnosis and health struggles have brought an awareness of life's fragility to you and your family. This story you've shared here is such a powerful illustration of how important it is to talk openly with our children about difficult topics, even though it's not easy to do. It's so wonderful that Sarah felt comfortable enough to ask questions and probe further - she seems like a thoughtful girl, taking after her mum :) Kids make sense of the world in absolutes and concretes, so understandably they get confused by vague terms, euphemisms and abstract concepts like "gone" or "passed away". Adults often resort to these when kids bring up heavy topics like death and loss because WE'RE so uncomfortable talking about them. I've found that allowing space to have these conversations, giving them honest, age-appropriate answers, and sometimes even acknowledging that this is a really tricky thing to explain at this age but that you appreciate them asking and will do your best to answer them, helps them to start processing these difficult concepts - and it gives them peace of mind that they can come to you with hard things and you won't shut them down. I love talking about grief, and I love talking about parenting. I could do this all day! Thank you so much for your positive feedback on this piece and for sharing your experience Jeannie. I'm so glad this resonated with you 💛

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Jeannie Ewing's avatar

Yes! “Giving them honest, age-appropriate answers” to hard questions is exactly it, Ruhie. You hit the target there quite well. I am so glad about your passion to talk about parenting and grief and the intersection between the two. It seems you and I have many more engaging conversations ahead of us, don’t we?

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Absolutely Jeannie! So excited and honoured to connect with you 🙏🏼🫶

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Roberta McKay's avatar

I was laid off for one year due to a drop in students where I taught. My girls and I would go to the nursing home to help the elders with crafts. I continued this for 3 years as I went part time after being laid off. One resident had passed away and I told my daughter that she is not here anymore. We got to the nursing home and she asked where she was. I said she had died and her response was who shot her. That lead to a whole other discussion. 'Berta

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thanks Roberta! It's so interesting to hear the way kids process the world and difficult concepts like death and loss. I'm curious how old were your girls at the time? Also can I just say taking them with you to help in the nursing home is such a thoughtful, generous and eye-opening experience to share with them :)

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Roberta McKay's avatar

One was 4 and we brought the baby along after I had her. Then I worked part time for 3 years and would be the youngest with me. Thanks for asking.

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Simone Senisin's avatar

Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my partner to MND and relate to how you reflect on your father’s life and death. You have woven the threads of life with beauty and tenderness. Thank you 🙏🏼

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you so much for this lovely feedback Simone. I'm so sorry to hear about your partner 💔. MND is devastating and my heart truly goes out to you. Thank you for being here 🙏🏼

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Simone Senisin's avatar

😊💜🙏🏼

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Susan Kuenzi's avatar

Thanks, Ruhie and Tiffany. Such an important article. When I read your father’s age when he was diagnosed with ALS, it hit me today. I am older now than he was then. Thinking of you and your family as you miss your dad and raise your own children. I really appreciated the insights you shared here.

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Ruhie Vaidya's avatar

Thank you so much, Susan! I truly appreciate your thoughtful feedback here 🙏🏼💛

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Susan Kuenzi's avatar

You’re welcome. Thanks for your family’s story and doing important work here.

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